Ugh…forever.

I know there are a lot of curious nonjuggalos out there who are intrigued by The Gathering.  I’m here to tell you that it is a MUST for you to attend.  I’m not ashamed to admit that I was once a Juggalo back in highschool, so I have a bit of a leg up on those who steer clear of  “The Dark Carnival.”  Don’t worry, though, because I’m here to help you out, should you venture out to Hatchet Landings.

I know many of you non-juggalos out there can be rather disgusted by the Juggalos and may be a bit scared or hesitant to be around so many of them.  Honestly, you have nothing to worry about.  Despite their appearences, Juggalos are actually quite nice and if you’ve got any sort of street smarts, you’ll return from The Gathering unharmed and absolutely thrilled that you attended.

I’ve been to some music festivals and NONE compare to The Gathering.  Most music festivals are filled with boring hippies and pretentious, douchey hipsters.  Sure, there’s drugs and partying at these festivals, but they can’t compare to the creative and juvenile shennanigans of the Juggalos.

If you’re really serious about going, here’s some shit that I think you should know:

• Obviously, food is important, so bring A LOT of shit that won’t spoil quickly.  There are plenty of stands at The Gathering, but like any other festival, you’ll be paying out the dick for garbage carnival food.
• If you’re bringing beer, bring more than you’ll ever think you can drink.  You WILL be awake early, because the sun will have woken you up and you’ll be surprised that you’ve become quite the alcoholic, because you’ll be cracking those fucks open minutes after waking up.  There’s plenty of shit to do during the day and you’ll definitely want beer with you at all times.  There’s a Wal-Mart and a few liquor stores about an hour away from the grounds, so you’ll want to stock up for the entire weekend before entering, because if you have a parking pass for your campsite, you can’t drive out and there probably won’t be any alcohol left at those places a day or two into The Gathering.
• DON’T arrive before The Gathering starts.  If you do, you’ll be sitting in that fucking sun on a mile-long line, waiting to get in.  Plan to arrive towards the middle of the first day and you can just cruise right in.  You’ll be able to find a nice campsite.
• If they haven’t all been taken, try to find a spot in the shade, which can be actually quite difficult, because there aren’t very many fucking trees.   In any case, bring something that will provide shade for a lot of motherfuckers, since you’ll most likely be entertaining some Juggalo guests.  It is also important that you don’t get a spot near the main stage, seeing as it will be loud as shit for most of the day and night, it’s fucking filthy there and that’s where the hardcore Juggalos decide to camp.  Plus there’s always a million motherfuckers walking around there all fucking day.
• Lock your valuable shit in the car.  Pretty much, leave all of your shit locked in the car.  Although the Juggalos are generally cool, they’re people and some people are scumtwats who steal shit.  We all know this.
• Be prepared to get Faygo on you.  The Juggalos throw that shit around all day and it’s bound to get all over your shit.  So, this means that you should bring more clothes than you think you might need.  Bring extra shoes, too.
• I assume that non-juggalos attending The Gathering are not there for the music, but when you attend a performance and you don’t want to be in the Faygo mud pit near the front of the stage, don’t worry, there’s plenty of room in the back and to the sides, so you can sit back and enjoy the show that is the audience.  The Juggalos, to me, are the real performers.
• Showers are a must, because you’ll be sweating like a fucking animal all day and night.  The sun is fucking brutal and your tent becomes a fucking sauna as soon as the sun comes up.  I suggest you go to the showers bright and early, before the Juggalos wake up and you’ll be waitingfor an hour to get in.  Another great time to go is when the main performers are on stage, because all of the Juggalos are watching that.   By the way, I suggest not using the little shower trucks that they’ve got scattered around the main area of The Gathering, because they’re small, gross and there’s always a fucking line.  Use the showers in the building at the top of the hill near the big pig(You’ll know what this means if you attend.)  Those showers are operated by the people who own the camp grounds and they’re maintained pretty well.  They’re also located at the top of an exhausting hill, which many Juggalos do not want to climb.  It’s a bit of a hike, but it’s well worth the trip.  Bring flip-flops for the shower!!!  Also, leave anything of value locked in the car before going to the showers, because there’s only a bench to put all your shit on.  And prepare yourself for the sight of gigantic, naked Juggalos!  A towel is optional, because the sun is so fucking hot, that you’ll be completely dry by the time you get to the campsite.
• Drugs.  The Gathering is fucking lawless, so they’re everywhere.  There’s even a place called “The Drug Bridge,” because it’s a bridge where drugs are sold.  Clever.  If you did not bring any drugs, ask a Ninja where this bridge is located and he’ll gladly point you in it’s direction.  If you plan on bringing any, be very careful with it, because the cops are just itching to arrest Juggalos.  I don’t do them, so all I can suggest to you is that you hide them well and don’t do anything fucking stupid to invite the cops.  You should also be able to handle your drugs, because The Gathering’s a fucked up place to be when you’re having a bad trip or some such shit.
• As with being in any unfamiliar place, you should always be aware, because there are some fucking weirdos there and there are always projectiles coming from every direction.

• You should listen to some of the Psychopathic Records music and learn some of the Juggalo lingo.  To avoid trouble, you should know the proper responses to some of the Juggalo-specific phrases.  If someone says “woop woop” to you, say it back.  A popular term for a fellow Juggalo is “Ninja.”  It’s actually quite fun to get in the spirit of things and say, “What up, Ninja?” For the most part, a lot of the Juggalos are tolerant of non-juggalos and respect our choices to not be one of them.  Just be respectful.  That’s not to say that you can’t be a smart-ass dick.  I don’t know what it is, but sarcasm seems to be completely lost on a lot of the people in the Midwest.

In summation, just be a human and immerse yourself in The Dark Carnival and it will payoff with the greatest vacation you’ve ever had.  Don’t be a complete fucking asshole and set out to offend, because Juggalos aren’t that stupid and if instigated, can be violent.  If you’re nice, they’ll give you a big dose of Clown Love.  Hopefully, my nonsense will help any non-juggalo with balls enough to attend the greatest party of the year.